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July 1st, 2005


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juschillaxing
06:39 am - First Time Poster :)
I've made one critique. I know the community calls for 3, but it seems so inactive that I didn't want to comment on something thats over 2 months old. If the powers that be deem it necessary I'll sift through older posts and comment.

This poem is very fresh. I haven't toyed with it much, but I'd like some direction in line breaks and punctuation. I'm also curious to see if you enjoy or hate the alliteration.

*Truck Stop T-Girl*

The neon twitched "Twenty Four Hours"
as taillights
turned brake lights
tires boiled the gravel drive

Sending dust laden steam
soaring
obscuring
the view
of late night tummy rumbling salvation

She bumped the door shut with her backside
and sashayed
her way
to the smoking section

Her fag end flung left to right
hypnotizing haggard truckers
hunkering down
for some crash curing caffeine

"Right on" she said, as I produced a light
to the cigarette a second ago was mine
It drooped
damask stained
between her masculine lips
pursing ever so slightly to keep it in place

Her skin rippled
revealing a veil of concealer
barely camouflaging the bristles blooming
Every spike
exposing her

(9 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:anithradia
Date:July 1st, 2005 03:10 pm (UTC)
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No problem on the critiques -- it's perfectly understandable, and that is mostly a relic from when people DID post a lot.

First, this is mostly an aesthetic thing, how the poem looks on the page, but I don't like your very irregular line breaks. I mean, having them different lengths is good, but the whole two words to six in the next line just jars one's eye.

I like "tires boiled hte gravel drive" but the two lines before it aren't too interesting. Also, I don't understand why you chose to break into a new strophe here, since it seems that this next one is a continuation of the previous sentence-ish-ness. Echo that for the capitalization there.

Your line breaks in the third strophe ... well, starting each line on a nothing word gets repetitive -- try to make lines begin & end with interesting words.

Should "crash curing" be hyphenated?

And ... I don't know. Don't care for the last strophe. Too much to the point I guess? Not sure. Particularly the last two lines.

Other than that, good start.
From:juschillaxing
Date:July 1st, 2005 05:21 pm (UTC)
(Link)
thank you very much for taking your time to read and crit this
[User Picture]
From:rhiannon_
Date:July 1st, 2005 05:29 pm (UTC)
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I remember that....

When people posted things. When I posted things. The good old days.
From:juschillaxing
Date:July 1st, 2005 05:30 pm (UTC)
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I made a step in the right direction.. so.. Who's coming with me? huh? WHO'S COMING WITH ME?!?! LOL :)
[User Picture]
From:rhiannon_
Date:July 1st, 2005 05:35 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Yes, definitely. Step in the right direction. Kudos. I only wish I were more enthusiastic. I also realize that I should review your poem instead of gumming up the thread with unrelated nonsense. So, I will do that, soonly.
From:juschillaxing
Date:July 1st, 2005 05:36 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Its the unrelated nonsense in life that keeps things flowing.. :) and take your time with the crit.. no need to hurry
[User Picture]
From:anithradia
Date:July 2nd, 2005 04:22 pm (UTC)
(Link)
yeah, geez rhiannon. slacker.
(Deleted comment)
From:juschillaxing
Date:July 1st, 2005 05:13 pm (UTC)

taking your advice.. prosey version..

(Link)

*Truck Stop T-Girl*

The neon twitched "Twenty Four Hours",as taillights turned brake lights and tires boiled the gravel drive. They sent dust laden steam, soaring, obscuring the view of late night tummy rumbling salvation.

She bumped the door shut with her backside
and sashayed her way to the smoking section

Her fag end flung left to right
hypnotizing haggard truckers hunkering down
for some crash repressing caffeine.

[feels like i need a better transition here]

"Right on" she said, as I produced a light to the cigarette a second ago was mine. It drooped,
damask stained, between her masculine lips. They were pursing ever so slightly to keep it in place.

Her skin rippled revealing a veil of concealer.
It was barely camouflaging the bristles blooming and every spike was exposing her.

[feels unfinished here]

From:juschillaxing
Date:July 1st, 2005 05:21 pm (UTC)
(Link)
and.. i forgot to say Thank You :)

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