I love this community so much, here's a love poem:

Compliment sandwich, sort of (the bottom piece of bread is a little soggy):

This shows the promise of something almost Charles Simic-esque.
You need to work on the line breaks. End with you strongest words, possibly words with less syllables, but where there's a natural pause as well. The first line of the third stanza, for example, wants to end on cake.
With a bit of trimming of lazy lines, I think this is pretty good.

thanks dude. i really appreciate the advice.

it's dark and dispairful, a bit sick as well

i really do like it

the holy trinity of poetic accomplishment: dark, dispair, and sick. ...and just like Love in a lot of ways. thanks for the comment.

This is a personal I really enjoyed the jarring imagery of the barbed wire and the chunks of flesh and how disturbing it was that you were going to put them in your mouth and then you start the rice cake stuff and totally lose me. Its kind of like you started with the climax and the rest is falling action. If you're going to slap me in the face with the first 1.5 strophes I expect a punch or two, or atleast another slap before the peice ends.

I agree 100%. I kind of knew this is a problem. I could feel it, you know? So thanks for putting it into words.

yea the beginning and then end seem like two different poems...where does the water come from? and the sundress? i really, really like this, it just needs a thread to hold the two ends of it together, i think. see juschillaxing's comment. the problem might just be the last stanza.

please keep working on this and show it to us again! je l'aime!

the two parts are bound by the greatest thread of all: Love!

only kidding, it does seem random and it could use a little more. merci du commentaire!

Is there a part one to this baby, or is the title part of an obscure aesthetic? I'd be interesting in seeing the first part.

I'd suggest not doing so much fragmenting. For example, your second strophe is really just the second half of your first sentence/strophe. And while you're combining fragments, lengthen lines, i.e. "In the beginning I could floss/ your toes with barbed wire." I might choose a different verb. I don't know, just think about those weird people who eat the plaque off their dental floss and figure out exactly what verb that is. Because the meat would be stick in the wire prongy things, wouldn't they? So it wouldn't just fling. I think you can cut some stuff -- minimize on the adjectives. Bloody can be assumed. In fact, perhaps you could just cut to "And chew the flesh chunks with rice cakes." Not exactly that, but you get my idea? Mix isn't necessary, mouth isn't necessary (it is, after all, the only place one can chew). I think this part will be stronger if it's more concise.

You already mention that the cakes are dry -- perhaps save that reference for this next strophe, and simply say that you don't like rice cakes, though some way more refined than that, hopefully. And of course that little bit mixes with the next strophe.

I think that since you're talking about toes you shouldn't skip straight to skirts (though maybe I'm being too logical). Mention something about working up the legs to where the sundress circles around like Saturn's rings. "Goes horizontal" seems a bit heavy -- I wonder if there's some way you can make "horizontal" into a verb and thus cut "goes"? I'd suggest cutting "I'd not mind eating" to "I'd eat". And spell check is telling me that sundress is actually two words.

Over all -- your line breaks are a bit weak. I'd suggest breaking the line where it seems to be a natural break, but it goes on to jar someone, as in how I suggested with the first bit, "floss/ your toes." However, you have a weird crazy start. I like it, though I like Charles Simic (as sirencio mentioned) so maybe that's part of it. ;) Good luck with polishing this one!

thanks for your insight, as always. ill show the first whenever it gets completed, which is to say, started towards completion.