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it must be painful to understand your own irresponsible behaviour… - Fledgling Poets

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December 13th, 2005


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solopsided
12:12 am
it must be painful
to understand your own irresponsible behaviour
and even with that fact
be unable to change it
and trying to find comfort
in your candy-coated smile
is enough to give me a cavity
search, the hands would be welcome
so you couldn't call me empty anymore
I bore three caterpillars, feeding on my skin
expecting to befriend a few butterflies
in time, but they all left home
Scattered off by your net
stop waving it around
Breathe in the water
start drowning.
Current Mood: cynicalcynical

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:latelyontime
Date:December 13th, 2005 09:14 am (UTC)
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I will divide the poem into two parts because I think there are two separate visuals that it creates.

it must be painful
to understand your own irresponsible behaviour

Extremely long and very painful line. Not painful in the experience, but painful in the unfolding. Irresponsible is a horrible word to use and it doesnt mean anything. It tells but doesnt show a thing. I think a more showing word might help. Why irresponsible? wht do you mean by irresponsible? etc.
and even with that fact
be unable to change it

I always maintain that poetry, unless the poet is aiming for a particular wordy effect,is about an ecnomony of sound. Why would you want to use conjuctions and words that dont mean anything? "And" for example comes twice as a joining word. The line in itself is extremely convulated and makes me squint while I read it. I would strongly recommend breaking the first long line into various pieces. There have been some extremely brilliant top-heavy poems. Auden's "Mourning for a child lost in london fire" (or some such other title) immediately comes to mind. But you haven't yet mastered it.
and trying to find comfort
in your candy-coated smile
is enough to give me a cavity
search, the hands would be welcome
so you couldn't call me empty anymore

The consistent refusal to use the full point leaves me baffled. Because your poem is not without punctuation. There are a couple of commas and a full point at the end of the poem. Then why wouldnt you want to use punctuation in the other verses? Right now, it just seems pointless, to force the reader to squeeze so much meaning out of something.

Now the good part of the poem.
I bore three caterpillars, feeding on my skin
expecting to befriend a few butterflies
in time, but they all left home

I think this is genius. If you deleted all the verses before this, the poem still stands. The earlier lines were like a pointless preface to a brilliant image and something that strikes me in those deep funny corners around the throat.

Scattered off by your net
Extremely verbose. You need only three of these words. The way your poem is unfolding I would suggest a fragmented style, where the sound of the words stringed together produces the meaning.

stop waving it around
Completely redundant in my opinion. It just takes away from a very strong image.

Breathe in the water
start drowning.

Beautiful. I like the strangely subverted sense of irony in the unfolding of the two lines.

Hope this was of some help.

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